PSA #2 - Hold On Tight

This is an especially important message, near and dear to my heart. Heeding it's advice will save you (and whatever doctor is on call the night you didn't do it) a lot of grief.

If you for some reason, any reason, feel the need to stick a foreign body into any one of your orifices, for Pete's sake DON'T LET GO! Maintain firm control of at least one end of the object at all times.

I mean it.

I learned this lesson early in life from watching my brother taken to the ER to have the magnets extracted from his nose. He thought it would be fun to stick two little magnets about the size of Smarties together on either side of his nose. Only problem was, he had the like poles facing each other and they flipped each other over way up high into his nose. Bad move.

I've taken a few coins out of the stomach or esophagus of children. They're the ones most likely to put things in the holes on their heads. One day I got a call from the ER about someone who had sucked a thumbtack down his windpipe. I asked how old he was.
"Twenty-three."
"Months?"
"No, 23 years."
"Really?!"
I thought people knew better than that by then. Apparently not. The poor guy was quitting smoking and had taken to chewing on anything and everything to keep his mouth busy. He went to cough and ended up sucking the tack down. I think he took up smoking again after that night.

Then there was the man who decided to swallow his crack pipe to hide it from the police. In case you were wondering, crack pipes do not pass easily through the digestive tract. They often require surgical assistance. Don't do it.

And finally, if, heaven forbid, you were ever entertaining the idea of sticking something in one of your lower openings, please STOP! You'll so wish you hadn't when you have to go to the ER and explain what happened. I'm sorry, but the nice people who care for you there will not believe you when you tell them that you just happened to sit on it. And they will most certainly giggle at you when they leave the room. It can't be helped. Particularly if said object's batteries have not yet died.

Just saying. Hold on tight.