Confessions of a Speedy Mom

I'm not Catholic, but I did do a little confession at church yesterday.

At the end of the service we were having the typical honor-the-mothers thing that churches like to do on mother's day. They didn't give flowers to the woman with the most grandchildren, the newest baby, or the most children. This year they got a little more creative. There were categories honoring a mother who had been a caregiver for her own mother; the woman who most recently found out she was expecting; the mother who had most recently made homemade cookies for her family.

The final category was for the mother with the most speeding tickets. I'm not sure who decided that was a distinction worth receiving flowers. I suspect it was just a ploy to entice confessions so folks could know who to look out for in the parking lot and who not to let their kids carpool with.

I was pretty sure I could be a contender for the most, but debated whether or not I should fess up. This blog notwithstanding, I'd like to keep some semblance of respectability at church. On the other hand, we were going to my parents' home after church, and what with work being so busy lately and planning for H's birthday party this weekend, I hadn't gotten around to getting my mom a gift. (I'm a real slacker of a daughter, I know). I thought maybe this was my chance to win some flowers to take to her. So after seeing that lots of other women were willing to publicly admit their run-ins with the law, I stood up too.

My memory was a little fuzzy on the spot, but I could clearly remember 3 different tickets I'd received. There ended up being three of us tied for 3 tickets each. They broke the tie by giving the flowers to the woman who'd gotten her ticket most recently. Not me. So in essence, I publicly shamed myself and had nothing to show for it.

Here's where I try to salvage my reputation: All my offenses occurred while I was in high school or college. My last ticket was 14 years ago. I can remember that because I was driving through WV on the way home from my brother's wedding. Dad was driving his car. My mom and I were following in my brother's car - which happened to still be decorated with "Just Married" signs. I'm not sure what the officer thought, but he wasn't about to cut me any slack. The "I couldn't have been speeding, Officer, I was following my dad and he never speeds" argument didn't cut it.

So I'd like to say that although I used to be a bad driver, I'm really not anymore. Really.

Except that when I thought about it a little more last night, I remembered a fourth ticket (still more than 14 years ago), so I should have won the flowers after all. I guess my friend Lori sensed that, because today she brought me the flowers she'd won. She had gotten them for something far more noble that I had done. They're beautiful and smell lovely too. Thanks a bunch, Lori!

Free Photos

Want a whole bunch of free photos? Head on over to the CVS photo center. If you open a new account, you'll get 20 free 4x6 prints. Enter your CVS card number and they'll throw in another 30 4x6's for free. Don't have a CVS card? Well, you should, so go here and get yourself one of those first. While you're ordering, pick out a 5x7 and 8x10 print as well. Enter "Enlarge" in the promotion code slot at checkout to get those free too. Select the pick up in store option to avoid shipping costs.

Your total for 50 4x6's, one 5x7 and one 8x10 = Zilch.

Pretty cool!

PSA #2 - Hold On Tight

This is an especially important message, near and dear to my heart. Heeding it's advice will save you (and whatever doctor is on call the night you didn't do it) a lot of grief.

If you for some reason, any reason, feel the need to stick a foreign body into any one of your orifices, for Pete's sake DON'T LET GO! Maintain firm control of at least one end of the object at all times.

I mean it.

I learned this lesson early in life from watching my brother taken to the ER to have the magnets extracted from his nose. He thought it would be fun to stick two little magnets about the size of Smarties together on either side of his nose. Only problem was, he had the like poles facing each other and they flipped each other over way up high into his nose. Bad move.

I've taken a few coins out of the stomach or esophagus of children. They're the ones most likely to put things in the holes on their heads. One day I got a call from the ER about someone who had sucked a thumbtack down his windpipe. I asked how old he was.
"Twenty-three."
"Months?"
"No, 23 years."
"Really?!"
I thought people knew better than that by then. Apparently not. The poor guy was quitting smoking and had taken to chewing on anything and everything to keep his mouth busy. He went to cough and ended up sucking the tack down. I think he took up smoking again after that night.

Then there was the man who decided to swallow his crack pipe to hide it from the police. In case you were wondering, crack pipes do not pass easily through the digestive tract. They often require surgical assistance. Don't do it.

And finally, if, heaven forbid, you were ever entertaining the idea of sticking something in one of your lower openings, please STOP! You'll so wish you hadn't when you have to go to the ER and explain what happened. I'm sorry, but the nice people who care for you there will not believe you when you tell them that you just happened to sit on it. And they will most certainly giggle at you when they leave the room. It can't be helped. Particularly if said object's batteries have not yet died.

Just saying. Hold on tight.

No,in fact, I didn't know that

J (pointing at the two pink circles on his chest): Mommy, do you know what these are called?

Me (while pretty sure that they're called nipples, yet curious to hear what he would say): What?

J: Pepperonis!

He didn't disappoint.

That Was Fun!

I just got back from CVS-ing. I got 2 bags of cat food, foundation, nail files, face powder, and 10 4x6 prints. I spent $1.64 out of pocket and got $10 in Extra Care Bucks back.

I think that's enough to make even Crystal proud.

There's no free lunch

But sometimes there's free bowling. We were blessed to get some today.

J woke up this morning with a hankering to bowl. So, after I finished at work we met at the bowling alley near the hospital. The bad news was, we just happened to walk in as they were getting ready to lock up. They're hosting the after-prom party tonight and were closing early to get ready.

The good news was, the very kind lady who owns the bowling alley said, "You know, I'm going to be here for a while doing some things. I'm going to let you go ahead and bowl." It was great. We had the place to ourselves.

Have you ever been the only one in the whole place bowling? It's pretty loud when you throw the ball without any background noise to drown it out. Especially if you prefer the overhand technique to throw the ball like J often does.

When we went to pay, she said it was her treat and then promised J that next time we came she'd take him in the back to show him how the pin machine works. How cool is that?!

Thanks, kind lady!

PSA - Quit blaming your Mother's doctor

I've decided to do a series of public service announcements. I feel it's a contribution I can make as a good citizen to share some of the knowledge I've gleaned from my years in the medical profession. Don't worry, it won't be anything too boring or technical. There are some common misconceptions that need to be corrected and some common mistakes that need to be prevented.

So here's my lesson for today:

The shape of your belly button has nothing to do with how the doctor cut your umbilical cord. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. If it did, do you really think they would be letting brand new Daddies do the honors these days? I think not. The same guy cut both my kids' cords (Daddy B). One has an outie, one has an innie. Did he learn how to do it better after the first attempt? Nope. He did a fine job both times.

Whether you have an innie or outie depends on whether your umbilical ring (the hole in your abdominal wall where the blood vessels from the umbilical cord went though) closes up. It doesn't matter how that cord was trimmed. It still turns into a nasty little shriveled up brown stump however it's cut.

And while we're on the subject, there really aren't "innies" and "outies." There are people who have umbilical hernias and people who don't. J's got about 6 more months to close his ring before he's past the age where it's likely to happen on its own. I've been reducing it for four and a half years now trying to encourage it to close. Now he's old enough that I usually get told, "Mommy, quit pushing on my belly button!" It's just a hard habit to break now.